The Chase

One of the most ancient rules governing the man-woman relationship is the rule of the chase. Man expresses interest in woman. Woman feigns ignorance. Man persists. Woman evidently gives in. Man and Woman live happily ever after...until the divorce papers are drawn up. Another (more commonly occurring) variation to this ending is: Man moves on to new hunting grounds.

I mean, even my own mother has warned me about the Chase. 

"Don't just hop into bed with men. Kiss as many as you want, that's fine. But if you give in before a meaningful relationship is formed..."

They'll lose interest, is what she didn't say. 

We always see it from the point of view of the men. But what about women? 

I can only speak for myself here, but I find it very difficult to be interested in someone who is chasing me. Min has often accused me of being a man in female form and I'm starting to think she was right. I am only attracted to men who play hard to get. 

If two men asked me out on a date, and say they were both relatively nice people, but one of them definitely liked me, and I had no clue what the other felt, I would choose the second guy. And then probably drink too much on the date, bitch a lot about birds, and never see him again. But that's not the point.

The point is women like to chase too. And why not? It's a lot of fun. But because we're expected to be chased, and because we're all so trapped by the fear of appearing desperate, it maybe needs to be done subtly. Subtlety is also a requirement when you're shy. 

I am not shy after too many drinks. I remember once when I was attempting to flirt with the Undoable One, I proceeded to express my interest by plonking myself on his lap. It is not a move I would recommend. Neither would I recommend what I did during the many months I spent chasing Pill. Unfortunately (for you), I cannot document them on this blog. Pill gave in eventually, but it was touch and go there for a while. 

Anyway, it is for precisely this reason that if you are going to chase someone (and I applaud you for it, fellow female), you should do it properly. Don't be a red-neck hunter wielding a gun and bellowing. Be a ninja. Be quiet. Stealthy. Deadly. 

I have not experimented with all the following moves. Only some of them. The rest are drawn from my friends' experiences and my own intellect and logic. 

1. Don't be interested or disinterested. 

If the target is saying something that you obviously need to pay attention to, pay attention. It's rude not to. If the target is not telling a long and involved joke, or discussing his problems at work, or not addressing you directly, than don't pay attention. (Well, pretend not to. But eavesdrop. The information may come in handy later.) 

2. If you're laughing at something the target is saying, laugh normally.

Unfortunately this is where I have trouble. My laugh is sort of loud and weird anyway, but when I'm in the vicinity of someone I have a massive crush on, it takes on whole new proportions. It tends to have this maniacal tinge to it. Maniacal tinges are not attractive. If, like me, you're incapable of laughing normally, just smile widely. Or smile with your eyes. Or open your mouth but on no account let any sound come out so it's interpreted as silent laughter. Or (Mawii's advice) just go for the mysterious and enigmatic route.

3. Forget about 'subtle' touching. Don't touch.

Targets are actually not complete fools. They do know when a girl is hitting on them. Many girls (yours truly included) pull the I touched you accidentally move. Don't do this. It's painfully obvious. Instead, stand next to the target, stand very close (but not enough to invade the target's personal space) and not touch. What will hopefully be created is sexual tension (although that should already be there). Sexual tension is good. I've tried this move twice, I think, and it worked both times. Bada bing, bada boom.

4. A balance between talking and not talking is required.

Now this is where I fail miserably. I either stop talking completely (once it got so bad I had to leave the room) or I am incapable of shutting up. I just spew from my mouth whatever comes into my head. And unfortunately, if  I'm around someone I have a crush on, whatever comes into my head is usually spectacularly stupid. The one friend I have who manages a nice balance is Min. Although her voice gets screechier than usual. Haha.

5. Resist the urge to 'share'.

Ok, this is a personal opinion. It's just that when I'm with a guy who starts talking about his emotions, or how difficult his life is, or how he was psychologically tortured by a parent growing up - I find it hard to take that person seriously. So, in turn, I would never get emotional with someone I'm conversing with. I have taken a random poll and I find that most people agree with me. It's not easy to be attracted to someone who's weeping on your shoulder about a dead pet after knowing them only for a week or so. (The person, not the pet.) And if you're always sharing, it means the target doesn't really have to make any effort to get to know you. This makes the target lazy. A lazy target is a boring target.

I think that's all I can think of for now.

When I started writing this post, I intended to make it flippant. You know, something like - "Do not sexy-dance in front of the target because it's probably far from sexy". Or, "Do not try twirling a lock of hair around your finger and then get your finger accidentally stuck in it". I speak from experience, much to my dismay and regret.

Having said that, I admire girls who go out there with their gloves off. It should be okay for women to chase, dammit. 

But re-reading this post, I have realized - if you hate being obvious for whatever reason - how good, how real, how helpful this advice really is. And  living with my brother is rubbing off on me. He is always making up rules about the Man-Woman relationship. But his are dumb rules. I don't know how he ended up married. Mine are not. Seriously. I just read through this again and I wish I had a crush on someone right now so I could follow this. Man. I am overcome by my own wisdom. I'm also quite stoned. So I will go now.