Goa, in two parts: Almost and Fuck It

So there's really no point writing about the first trip anymore; it's been more than a month since I got back from the second one. I would have deleted the post below, but someone actually left a comment, so that's definitely not going anywhere. Anyway, I'll attempt to tie things up during this one - some stuff overlaps.

Man, I'm sick of Goa, writing about it, that is, but this has turned into some sort of inane personal battle.

HR's friend Aalok entered a FB contest and won four flight tickets to Goa. And back. And two free nights in a fancy hotel. What do I mean by fancy? Well, a nimboo-pani cost 120 bucks. That's what I mean by fancy.

Anyway, he and his wife Varsha (I can't believe I hang out with married people now, so strange, even stranger that it doesn't feel strange) invited HR and I to tag along. Because they are kind and we are delightful.

It's taken me about three weeks to write the above . Obviously I am no match for myself and have lost the inane personal battle. It's become a habit anyway.

So you will never know what happened in Goa. Poor you.

On to other infinitely less interesting things.

I moved out of my first apartment (ok, room) on Saturday. That's my first Bangalore chapter closed. When it comes to domestic issues, I can only valiantly hope that it goes up from here.

It wasn't that bad really. I lived alone and I had no internet. How many of you can do that without going crazy, huh? Also, I meant to make a copy of my key to leave with my brother or a friend, but I never did; and guess what? IT DIDN'T MATTER BECAUSE I NEVER LOST MY KEY. That's right. I went 11 months without losing a key that I had to carry around everywhere. When I do my Annual Recap, that is going on my list of the year's greatest achievements.

Another thing this year has taught me: meet expectations by lowering them.

I am listing the significant(ish) things that I learnt during my first stint living alone.

(i) How to plunge scissors into someone's neck at the exact spot that would kill them. This is because they were my weapon of choice to keep by my bed at night; I obviously did research because I am efficient that way. I started out with knives, but chances are I would have found a way to stab myself somehow. Scissors seemed a less fatal option (for me).

(ii) How to improvise. For instance, I used sarongs in place of curtains. Because after two months, I did not have a curtain rod. It fell down. I also learnt to make a delicious dessert out of a 25 rupee tub of yogurt. And I learnt how to make my own drinking water. (Boil and refrigerate; the taste is an acquired one).
There are more things, I know, but so many more that I can't even begin to remember them. That's how good I am. Ha.

(iii) How to deal with pests and insects. These have included slugs in my closet, tiny dead insect things in my fridge, centipedes in my bathroom, and red ants everywhere. How did I combat these terrible creatures? By crashing at the Undoable One's; he always has spare mattresses. I have also learnt that I must never keep spare mattresses in my new home, otherwise I will be inundated with helpless (and hopeless) people like myself.

(iv) How to gracefully deal (okay, not gracefully, but why quibble?) with domestic problems that included a faucet exploding and flooding the bathroom (and everything else) with water. As well as accidentally flushing it down the toilet. And trying to explain how it went down the toilet to a plumber who only spoke Tamil. (Not Kannada, Tamil.)

(v) How to keep a house clean. This includes: sweeping floors; mopping floors; beating carpets against walls and learning that I must beat them on the wall outside my room flat; cleaning toilets; cleaning DRAINS; buying bathroom gloves to clean drains; and dusting before cleaning the floor, not after. I have also learnt that I must make as much money as I can as soon as possible so I can hire daily help to ensure I never have to do any of those things again. I have also learnt to appreciate daily help as well as the fall of communism.

(vi) How to cook, baby! Sort of. I can boil pasta (eggs are still touch and go), I can cook minced meat without poisoning anyone, I can cook chicken meat but unfortunately not without poisoning someone, and I can chop vegetables. Oh yeah, and I know that you can disguise a lot of errors by putting as much butter and cheese as possible into everything you can.

(vii) How to get away without paying electricity bills for ten months. Ok, this is not something that was learnt, it is something that happened. I was too lazy to pay my bill but the electricity never got cut and it went on and on and on until my landlord found out because he delivered my bill instead of security; but he thought it was three months' worth, and warned me that it would get cut. I still didn't pay, then he called me claiming it had been cut, but that was a lie because he is a chuth. And then I had to pay.

(But the total amount came to 1K something. HA!)

(viii) Finally, I learnt of the existence of a wonderful service - packers and movers. Especially the packing part. I had to put up with a lot of snide comments about dirty carpets and numerous cigarette stuff, but it was worth it.

I am sure that I will learn many more things in my next house, because, I am "always learning" (lifted from my most hated client). Unfortunately, I have not found that house yet and am currently crashing with friends. If I don't find a house by the end of the month, I will have to move in with my brother.

Therefore, I request those of you who believe in a Higher Power to pray for me; those who believe in only Luck, to cross your fingers for me; those who believe in nothing at all but live in Bangalore and don't mind messy people, to offer me a (temporary) home; and those who believe in nothing at all and don't live in Bangalore, to bugger off.