A mistake is supposed to be forgivable if you make it once.

Deliberate mistakes are different because they don't stem from ignorance, do they, they stem from stubbornness. Knowing that what you're doing is stupid and wrong, but doing it anyway because it's easier (in a way) than the alternative. Not comfortable, no, because there is a feeling inside you that refuses to go away. It pokes you a little, that feeling, and it grows and it changes size and sometimes it becomes more important and sometimes it becomes less important, but it's never so important that you give into it.

Does pride enter the picture? Getting nothing at all, rather than something? Something isn't good enough, something is humiliating, so how can nothing be less humiliating? Perhaps it has something to do with the tried-and-tested method. You have been tested and found wanting. Sometimes it's easier to avoid that test completely.

I think it boils down to choosing between failure and cowardice, to choosing between being found wanting and avoiding judgement completely because you know you won't have what is wanted - what you want rather than what they want - anyway.

I have a feeling the logic I've used here is very flawed. How ironic.

1 comment:

rhea said...

it's true, though.
how ironic.