No one wants to listen to my problems so I'm posting them on this blog because I can.

1. I've been living out of a duffel bag for the past four weeks, and will continue to do so for another two weeks. I'm lazy about laundry which means I'm down to my last clean pair of underwear, which means I will have to wash my underwear when I get home from work which I don't want to do. Or I could go commando starting tomorrow.

2. I went commando up top today. And I was sitting outside my office, next to a garden, smoking a cigarette alone because the two friends I have in office didn't show up. Some damn fool gardener tried watering the flowers, and sent the hose at me. I got completely drenched and it was extremely obvious that I was not wearing a bra so I spent the next two hours sitting extra low at my desk, so no one could see my chest, and I think I've sprained my wrist.

3. I've been staying with Mawii for five days, and I already can't button my jeans because her mother is a really, really good cook, and I have no self control.

4. I was telling Pill about my problems, and his only response was to send me a link to an app that helps you track your diet.

5. I'm sick of tigers. I have tigers spilling out of my ears. I have to continue to work on this tiger project for the next month, at which point I'm pretty sure I'm going to try to get hold of a gun and go to Corbett and shoot what tigers are left there.
  Okay, no.
  Well, maybe.

6. I think I know what I want to do with my career - i.e. publishing, and being the next David Davidar - but I don't know how to go about it. I've spoken to many people about ways to go about it, and their advice is absolutely useless.

7. All I really want to do is just finish this stint and take three months off, or maybe six months, or maybe a year, and go split my time between my brother in Bangalore, my father in Shantiniketan, and maybe BIL in Manali, and also maybe go to England, but I know none of this is going to happen because the thought of even taking time off, and not working relentlessly towards the next goal, makes my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth and my heart start beating unnaturally fast.

8. Going by the above, it would seem that I am a focused, driven workaholic, but I'm not. I just convince myself I am, but all I really want to do is lie in bed stoned with a large pizza.

9. If I do lie in bed stoned with a large pizza, I'll get really fat, and then I'll be depressed.

10. Actually, I'm already depressed. But at least I can wear shorts and be depressed because I have nice legs. Yes, I have nice legs. But I won't if I eat pizza all day. And I want pizza.

11. Also, I used to write Harry Potter fan fiction. It's always been a big secret, but I don't care, it's out there. I. Used. To. Write. Harry. Potter. Fan. Fiction.
Fine, I still do.
Okay, I'm a little ashamed.
This isn't really a problem, but since I've obviously temporarily lost my mind, I might as well throw it in there.

12. I haven't plucked my eyebrows in six weeks and I think they're growing on my eyelids now. I'm too scared to go and pluck them because the last time I did, I'd waited four weeks, and I burst into tears and the lady at the beauty parlour thought I was a sissy.

13. I am a sissy. I'm scared of birds, cockroaches, rats, bats, planes, and my mother. And I'm scared of eating meat-on-the-bone.

14. I'm also worried about nuclear war, but no one else seems to be and they all think I'm a moron. And I'm worried that American spelling is going to take over the world. And I'm worried that terrorists are going to continue to bomb us, and the government will use "safety" as an excuse to make more ridiculous laws that are senseless and invade privacy. And I'm worried that Narendra Modi is going to be Prime Minister, and I'm worried that people I count as friends think he should be Prime Minister.

15. But mostly I'm worried about the fact that I'm definitely fatter than I was two weeks ago, and also that the next time I have sex is going to be never.

16. I'm also worried that I'm a ditz and an airhead, but not as worried about this as I am about #15 which just depresses me more.

17. While typing this, I randomly started thinking of my brother, and realised we've reached a stage of life where he is more stable than I am. And he has a jeep and I don't. He's won. HE'S WON.
But then again, he did get gout at the age of 29.

18. I'm going to go and play Minesweeper now. Here's another confession, just to add to the genuine misery that is hanging over my head like a thick black cloud, and sitting in the pit of my stomach like a slimy, heavy stone: I have never, in my entire life, ever won a game of Minesweeper.

Ok, then.

And my friend Jahnavi says I don't share my feelings enough with people. Hah.


Anonymous said...

Was having a bad day too but this cheered me up. And I read HP fanfic and Im not ashamed. Not very.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry... be happy.

Starting with your points:
1-4 are ignorable
5. Stick a pic of a tiger on your wall and throw darts at it. That may help.
6. If you have to ask you won't get there. As Nike says: Just do it.
7. Sounds good... go for it. Forget the nonsense about tongue to roof, etc.
8. Good option
9. Mm... exercise ocassionally?
10. See above...
11. Well... ahem!
12. Thick eyebrows are better than skinny ones...
13. Meat-on-the-bone is the best. You've just been conditioned... by your mother?
14. All beyond your control... so don't hassle too much.
15. Mm... and mm...
16. I sympathise... raise your chin, look firmly at yourself in the mirror and say, "I am not a ditz. I am not an airhead". Voila! For the second part, see #15 above.
17. Gout is supposed to be a rich man's disease...
18. Minesweeper is easy... ask someone to show you how to scan ahead...