I will never learn.

Why am I incapable of working systematically? Everyear, I tell myself that this time it will be different, this time I will be prepared, and everyear it's the same old story.

I tried, I really did. I've been bloody living in the library for the past month, so why haven't I done any work? What was I doing? 

I was howling about this to Friend, who, very puzzled, said, "I don't understand. I've been seeing you in the library everyday. I thought you were working." 


"But what were you doing?" 

I don't know what I was bloody doing, when I think back to the hours spent in the library, my recollection is fragmented: reading books that had nothing to do with college work, reading the occasional tutorial assignment, writing out long emails to far away friends and never finishing them, playing Phish and - I have A.O. to thank (blame?) for this -Johnny Flynn, over and over and over again. 

Alright. Maybe that's why my assignments are still unwritten. 

But that's not it. The past four days, I've put everything on hold. Just to work. AND I HAVEN'T WORKED. I start working on Heart of Darkness as a modernist text, I don't know how to go about it, so I switch to Nature being the ostensible protagonist in Wordsworth's poetry, and that just bores the hell out of me, so I switch back to Heart of Darkness again, and I don't actually do anything because I am a useless fool. And Mawii's no help either. She's been sitting at her desk diligently everyday, but every time I look across the room, her head is in her arms and she is asleep. 

It's all Mawii's fault. If I was living with Naomi or Supurna this would not have happened. On the other hand, if I was living with Naomi or Supurna I would have drowned myself by now from sheer agony at my own ineptitude. Back to Mawii. She should be inspiring me to work. Watching her sleep is not inspiring. It just reassures me that there is someone out there, very close by, who faffs as much as I do, and having someone else faff validates my own faffing. 

Oh good. I feel a meltdown on its way. 

So I will do what I always do when I'm having a meltdown: sleep. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

these entries of yours always make me feel so much better about myself! XD