Advice I Wish I Could Give My Past Self

- Leaping from your bed on to moving toy buses will result in six stitches and three injections on the butt. Don't. Ditto for climbing walls to impress fourteen year old- cricket playing- in love with the girl who lives next door boys which will result in a loss that will traumatise and haunt you for the rest of your life. It's okay when it happens to your milk teeth. Adult teeth? No. 

- When fifteen and covered in acne, do not smear face with toothpaste. Or honey. Or toothpaste and honey. Just hide from the rest of the world until sixteenth birthday. 

- Going completely insane before a history exam is acceptable. Walking out of the house without any shoes, and walking four times around Ballygunge Circle while reciting dates in a sing song voice, is not. It will result in stares (stares of amazement, stares of amusement, stares of derision, and stares that are more than slightly creepy) and an acquaintance coming up to you the next day and whispering, "I heard you lost it outside Mama Mia last night." 

- If you must cut your hair, go to a salon like normal people. Don't get Jahnavi Ghosh to do it at the age of nine, or Rohini Bhose to do it when she's stoned. (Mawii Zothan, sober and in college, is okay). Otherwise you will spend the next three months with something akin to palm trees growing on top of your head.

- Swallowing cherry seeds will not make a cherry tree bloom in your stomach. 

- If you must push Tania Mirchandani off the jungle gym in nursery, make sure you do it discreetly. When the teacher isn't looking. And don't do a tarzan cry and leap on top of her afterwards. 

- Never take your diary to school. It will be grabbed and flaunted and read aloud in Assembly and everyone will know about your unrequited love for Farhad Anklesaria and the fact that your breasts refuse to grow, no matter how much you talk to them. 

- Talking to your breasts will not make them grow. They won't start growing until you're perfectly comfortable with them and then they won't stop. 

- When waiting for First Kiss from First Boyfriend, wait. Don't get drunk and frustrated and attack him in the back of a cab. (I don't think Vikram or the poor taxi driver ever recovered). 

- When at the age of thirteen, you drink the best part of a bottle of rum, it's best to throw up quietly in the toilet. Not announce to your mother that you're drunk and then throw up in front of her. 

- Neighbours do not appreciate you relieving yourself on their terrace. Even if it was a dare. 

- Bouncing a tennis ball off the back of Sabir Bhaiya's head is not a good idea. Especially when he's driving. 

- The next time a new maid calls you to the kitchen to show you something when your parents are out, lock yourself in your room and don't emerge. This will save you the trauma of seeing a live crab being made dead by an energetic twist of her hands. 

- Eating the plants on the terrace will not make you turn green. The same way painting yourself blue will not make you look like a Smurf. It will just make you look strange and have people question your sanity.  

- After finding out Farhad Anklesaria's favourite song is Crazy Town's Butterfly, desist from wearing clothes with butterflies on them and following him around singing the song in an out of tune voice. It will not make him realise you are his future wife. It will make him look terrorised every time you happen to be in his vicinity. 

- When a boy tells you you're pretty, smile. Don't tell him he's pretty too and then spill your drink on him. 

- Speaking of drinks, don't tell Minnie to spill hers on the crotch of a boy who has been less than nice to you. She will. Actually, do. 

- Continuing speaking of drinks, do not mix them. No, this time will not be different. Yes, you will make a fool of yourself and end up puking spectacularly in less than appropriate places. Eg. Relative's bed. 

- Do not set things on fire. Especially your hair. 

- When you see a banana peel on the pavement, do not step on it to prove you won't slip and fall. Because you will. 

- Do not watch Trainspotting stoned. Ditto Saw, Jaws and Psycho. 

- During a piano exam, when you're having your aural test and the examiner asks you the time, chances are he wants to know the time signature of the piece he just played and not how many minutes away four o'clock is. 

- Never poke a snake. 

- The next time someone dares you to leap into the river Avon and swim across it, don't. 

- Plasticine food may look pretty, but it's advisable not to eat it. 

- If someone (your Class 2 class teacher) asks you if you have any siblings, say yes and stop there. Don't say: I'm not sure. Wait. Yes, one brother. No, two brothers. I think. 

- An umbrella may help Mary Poppins fly, but it won't help you. And no, salt+sand+red powder+expensive perfume is not the secret recipe for pixie dust. 

- Do not go to an acquaintance's house and start playing their precious violin. And once the strings are broken, don't blame it on their dog. 

- Above all, don't keep diaries. Your future self will look back and weep.


blinknmiss said...

You've had an interesting life.

With the last, I wholeheartedly agree. I wish someone would burn them in my sleep, because now I can't.

Ankita said...

haha trisha, i love your life.

reflections said...

Trisha, we need to talk more...we have to hear about all these stories that your life offers.

Prianthi Roy said...

Hm, the cherry seed thing, I've done that.
Announcing that I'm drunk to my mum and then throwing up, done that too.
The dairy thing, oh yes.
Enjoyed this very much, thanks!