Where have the Manly Men gone?

My definition of a Manly Man is slightly different from my brother's. He believes a Manly Man is someone who can fart to the Mission Impossible theme song. That's not manly, that's disgusting.

Let's explore several areas that show the difference between Manly Men and Justin Timberlake :

1. Makeup: Manly Men do not wear makeup. No concealer, no eyeliner, no mascara and NO FUCKING NAILPOLISH. Who the hell wants to date someone who's going to steal your Mac brushes? And I don't want to discuss makeup a man, thank you very much, or have him take longer than me to get ready for a night out. That is just sad and wrong. 

2. Pedicures/Manicures/Waxing/Facials: This is also out. Now to be honest, most women do not have a problem with this. In fact, they actively encourage the men in their lives to go and sit glumly in parlours while their face is prodded with needles and their chest hair is ripped out. I'm not a huge fan of excessive chest hair but come on, have you seen Pierce Brosnan? His hottie quotient would be a lot lower if he plucked his eyebrows and waxed his chest. As for a man getting a facial- yes, his skin may look smooth and polished and pore free- but I don't think I'd be able to sleep with anyone who spent their Sundays with a mud pack on their face.

3. Presents: Manly Men do not give their girlfriends teddy bears and simpering cards with hearts and flowers and itty bitty purple butterflies on them (unless under extreme pressure because girlfriend is a freak). Manly Men give their girlfriends diamonds and sexy lingerie and helicopter rides over Cambodia.

4. Tears: I know I'm being slightly ridiculous now, and as a literature student I am fully aware about the construction of gender roles and how people are conditioned to fall in with stereotypes. Well sue me, I'm conditioned. If I ever see a man cry, I freeze. There's something so weak and defenceless about men who bawl. Kittens are weak and defenceless; Manly Men are not. Of course, a lot depends on the reason. If I saw a man crying because his mother died or because Keeles stopped making their beef sausages, I would understand. I have to admit however, that a man who cries because he fought with his girlfriend needs to butch up a bit. How the hell can a reasonably intelligent woman be attracted to someone who whimpers over the phone because she called him a few names during a heated argument? Answer: She can't.

5. Fixing things: Manly Men know how to fix things. They can change light bulbs and fiddle with car engines and fix leaky shower heads. This is why women keep men around. A man who can't fix things is not a Manly Man and therefore not useful and therefore, should be gotten rid of. It's quite simple really.

6. Hygiene: Manly Men are not necessarily slobs. They don't sit around, without showering for days on end, burping on beer. They brush their teeth, they use Old Spice and they do shampoo their hair. However, they draw the line at conditioner and flossing.

7. Sport: Manly Men like sports. Once again, I know I am adopting gender stereotypes but please, give me a man who watches football over a man who watches America's Next Top Model any day. The ultimate Manly Man should also be good at sport, should be athletic. There is nothing sexier, in my opinion, then watching a toned and tanned (from being outdoors, not from spray) Manly Man, running around in shorts and kicking footballs into nets. Unless it's a Manly Man in swimming trunks that show off his chiselled torso while his biceps ripple as he ploughs his way through water. Mm.

8. Food: I like to see men eat. Men should eat. It's wrong when a man eats three tomatoes and half a head of lettuce for lunch. What does that say about his libido? I don't mean that men should keep gorging on pizzas and pies until they look like Henry VIII (who, by the way, was more of a Pig than a Manly Man) but it's nice to see a man enjoying a steak and a glass of beer. This also applies to women. Women who live on grapefruit are- but I shall save this rant for another time.


So where have all the Manly Men gone? You never see them anymore. Men are either too busy fussing over their hair products or sleeping and ditching every woman they can get their hands on. It's all very sad. One of my male friends is scared of cockroaches, another has a earring collection and there is of course, the infamous Man Whore Friend who is not Manly, just a whore. 

I really don't understand the current fascination with metrosexual men. I'd hate to be with someone prettier than myself; the damage to my already frail self esteem would be too much for me to cope with. It's sad because a lot of metrosexual men are actually quite good looking. But if you ask me, David Beckham, the ultimate metrosexual, looks his best when he's sweating on the football pitch, and not when he's wearing a sarong with his braided golden hair being gently ruffled by the wind. That should be left to Rapunzel who was a bloody useless female anyway.