The Library.

I discovered the college library today.

It's always been there of course- tucked away on one side of one of the many broad pillared corridors that look out onto the grass and the wind and the hot sun.

But I've only ever seen it from the outside, looking in through unfriendly doors at the must and the dampness and the bare wooden tables and harsh tubelights.

But I went inside for the first time today- not to browse through bookshelves but to use the internet.

And it's really quite beautiful if you take the time to notice it properly.

The furniture is uncompromising solid wood- but the wood is smooth and cold and dark and you can feel the students it has held over the years, all looking alike with dark heads, bowed together over old books, thinking thoughts that are both similar and unique.

The bookshelves are lined up in straight rows and if you wander in between them, you'll probably sneeze. They hold, like all bookshelves should, the musty smell of books that have been well thumbed.

And my god- the books! I only browsed through the history section and it held volumes and volumes about dysfunctional royalty and bloody wars and great, wise movements and great, wise people and ordinary people who woke up and decided to change the world.

And I thought of visiting the library when I had nothing to do and I imagined wandering over to one of the shelves, upstairs and downstairs, and breathing in that curious smell and choosing one of the leather bound books and ambling over to one of the long, broad wooden tables and sitting there, away from noise and away from sun. And I felt curiously happy.

The quiet, satisfied sort of happiness that you feel when you put forward a tiny soul root into new land.

glimpses of sun.

I have a creature- a really tall, blonde creature- in my life called the Annoying One. The Annoying One is known as A.O. for short.

A.O. is someone I'm very fond of. In fact, there is also quite a lot of love involved. I try not to let him see how much he actually means to me though, because I'd never hear the end of it. My insults would lose some of their sharpness and he'd never quite believe them again.

A.O. has, for the past several weeks, been travelling around the world. He made a stopover in Delhi for two days and since he's not aware of this blog's existence, and since most of my readers are convinced I'm suicidal and I believe I should try reassuring them, I'd like to say here and now, that they were a very happy two days. Golden.

A.O.'s gone now and in some ways it's worse, because I feel more alone than I did before. But I realised something very important.

You can't be happy all the time. Experiences don't have to be positive all the time. I shall not launch into a tirade about how misery emotionally strengthens you, because that's never worked for me. I've always drawn my strength from happiness.

All I know is, being with A.O. reminded me of things I'd forgotten. How important laughter is. And ice cream- the chocolate kind with the bits of brownie in it. Teasing and mindless television and long talks and big hugs and Long Island Iced Teas and the wind in your face and an incredibly bad joke and laughter all over again. Those are things I haven't experienced in a long time, and those are the things that really matter.

I found a bit of soul in Delhi, when I was travelling around in autos with him. It is there. I just need to look for it harder.

I'm not saying that my misery (and let's face it- I've always enjoyed being a miserable person) has disappeared yet. It hasn't even grown paler. But every road has patches of darkness. And right now I may be stumbling around, feeling alone and lost and helpless, and maybe I don't know why I'm still walking or even if I want to. But I do know that the sun is going to peep out now and then and when that happens, I shall cling to the warmth and carry it with me- a talisman.

Because, I hate to say it, but the world doesn't really let you be all that completely miserable all the time. It will show you its softness occasionally and it will show you cold rain after dusty winds.

I'm still not happy and I don't know if I'm going to be happy any time soon but I remember what happiness feels like now. I'll bide my time till it creeps up on me again.

There's a verse from somewhere that goes like this:

Look to this day:
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence.
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendour of achievement
Are but experiences of time.

For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision;
And today well-lived, makes
Yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well therefore to this day;
Such is the salutation to the dawn!



It's good advice.

Still not happy, but I need to write.

I think I'm losing touch with myself. In the past three weeks, I've lost a lot of things that were really important to me. And now, I'm just kind of existing. Floating.

Waking up, going to college, coming home, sleeping, eating dinner, sleeping again. That's my life. Or at least, that's how it feels.

I guess I'm disillusioned because I thought coming to Delhi would wake me up. But it hasn't. It's deadened me.

I miss everything about Calcutta. I miss the smell of the rain and the broken pavements and the tea and Graphiti on Sunday mornings. I miss the the plants on the terrace- especially Pokey- and I miss the eagles that sleep on the paraphet come sundown. I miss playing Dota and CounterStrike at the gaming place, I miss the egg rolls at the Dhaba, I miss warm and slow sunshine days at the Tolly. I miss my mother.

I want to go back more than anything. I don't belong in Delhi. And it's all very well to say everyone has to leave home sometime, but shouldn't you go somewhere where there's soul? Delhi has no soul. I see glimpses of it sometimes though, in the broad tree lined streets and in the red stone of old homes and the freshness in the sky. But it's always snatched away somehow and hidden behind the mindless sweaty faces and the ugly yellow concrete because it's not supposed to exist.

Or maybe it's not Delhi. Maybe it's me.

I always read somewhere that happiness is supposed to be an intrinsic thing. I haven't felt happy for a very long time. I have my good moments- moments where I'm just gloriously glad to be alive. But otherwise, there's this constant dull ache which sometimes drifts into numbness.

Will try to be more chirpy next time.

I realise I haven't updated properly for a long time.
This is because I'm so homesick, all my creativity has drained out of me. The sucky weather may also have something to do with it.

When I write again, you shall know I'm happy.

I have six days left and I think I've managed to accomplish only about three things on my list.

However this is not too much of a problem because I've been doing other, much more wonderful things.

Haha.

Things to do before leaving Calcutta.

1. Visit all my favourite restaurants, one by one.

2. Oly, Silver Grill and Someplace.

3. Buy useless stationary at Oxford.

4. Watch the sun set from the outside terrace.

5. Spend the night at Jahnavi's and go on the roof one last time.

6. Eat hot buttered toast and tea at Vikram's.

7. Go to the lakes and see if they're actually beautiful or just hyped up.

8. Go to Shormi's little picture perfect house and play the piano.

9. Win a game of foosball.

10. Smoke the bong and play that board game with Shourjo and Jayatri.

11. Get everyone together and play articulate.

12. Eat as much of Bouchi's mango ice cream as possible.

13. Steal some more books from Jahnavi J.

14. Steal some more clothes from Jahnavi G.

15. One last sleepover at Min's with Pupu.

16. Go out for early morning cha with Siddharth and Aditya and Vikram.

17. Spend a day at Tolly swimming and eating pancakes and strolling around the golf course looking for graves.

18. Spend the night at Tanvi's and fall asleep by ten like I always do.

19. Sit in the garden with all my building friends.

20. Hug and kiss Mama as often as possible.

21. Watch My Fair Lady, Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice with Dida.

22. Buy even more clothes.

23. Go to Victoria Memorial and feed apples to the horses.

24. Walk barefoot around Birla Mandir.

25. Steak and french fries at CCFC.

26. One last game of dota with Siddharth, Aditya, Vikram, Varun. And Jayatri.

27. Convince Pud Kaka to let me drive down that grassy lane near Alipore.

28. Say goodbye to Ringo.

29. Get one last haircut from Bridget.

30. Play 70s pop songs on the Alipore piano.

31. Go to Thakuma's little library room and smell the books.

32. Sleep on her bed under the mosquito net.

33. Ring doorbells of all the Kusum flats and run away.

34. Take lots of photographs of everyone and everything.

35. Say goodbye to Pokey the Cactus.

36. Watch a meaningless commercialised movie at Forum (preferably Wolverine)

37. Get Siddharth to drive really fast on the flyover into Red Road, roll down the window and stick my head out.

38. Play Dead or Alive on Varun's Xbox.

39. Watch Disney movies with Minnie.

40. Spend as much time as possible in my room.

41. Go for a tram ride.

42. See if I can get the T2 delivered to Delhi everyday.

43. Nut corners at Kookie Jar.

44. Go to Vidyasagar Setu and see what the fuss is all about.

45. Breakfast at Flury's.

46. Be as happy as I've ever been.



The sadness, when it finally comes, can wait. I don't want it now.

To Joey and Rhea.

I'm so so glad you're going to be there.